I now regret having gone out yesterday to shop instead of going straight home.

Yesterday, because classes end early for us during Wednesdays and incidentally class would start late for us today due to some change in sched, I decided to go out shopping to relax. I ended up spending more than 3 hours at the mall instead of the planned one hour because: 1) it took me more than an hour to pick out my new shoes from the racks; 2) another hour to choose what to buy for my godchild’s birthday party on Sunday and; 3) another hour to have dinner (albeit alone).

I was so tired already when I got home and soon, I was already off dreaming about Caribbean cruises. The next thing I know, it’s already September 5 and I haven’t finished anything.

I envy my roommate for having perfected the craft of time management. It’s something that I obviously, obviously lack. I should have listened to my homeroom teacher from way back grade school when she was trying to make us learn how to manage our time wisely. Now I’m suffering. Great job Mnel for playing Miss Know-It-All. You deserve more than a pat on the back. A head blow, in fact.

I don’t really understand why people smoke. Ignorance of the ill effects of this vice is not really the issue since awareness ads on this campaign have come and gone since time immemorial. Who will forget the 90′s anti-smoking mascot Yosi Kadiri? (Who, I recently learned has been replaced by a new mascot named QuitsS) Even cigarette manufacturers themselves are warning their very market of the hazards of smoking with those “Government Warnings” printed on every pack of cigarette they sell. I am surrounded by people who smoke – my father, sadly, is the worst of them, yet, never was I influenced to smoke or even try to. That’s because I’m asthmatic and cigarette smoke is the worst trigger of my attacks. I consider my condition as a blessing in disguise though, because knowing how bad I am at resisting peer pressure, I know I would have tried to puff at least one stick if only I weren’t really sensitive to it.

I abhor smoking. I try to keep the people close to me away from these sinful sticks but I don’t force them to. I don’t, because I can’t. It’s only them who can help themselves stay away from smoking.

So why the rant?

Sadly, I am pacifying myself now to relax and loosen up a bit. As always, I am in panic mode but I have graver reasons to be anxious at the moment since I’ve been sneezing and wheezing all morning. My father’s to be blamed for my demise. He’s been smoking around me all morning. I have to study. I have 6 more exams next week and two papers to pass (which I totally forgot about until this moment). I need to get my act straight, study and hopefully finish all my errands next week including paying Greenhills a visit, not to look for  unlocked cell phones though, but to have my poor Ricardo finally fixed.

I wish tomorrow would be a better and a healthier day for me. I can’t stand having attacks since I’m bound to be tucked in bed when this gets worse. =(

Luck, my dear friends, is what I badly need now.

Once, while discussing the stages of development in Psychiatry back in second year, a doctor-professor of ours commented how medical students are in a stage of extended adolescence. I can’t help but agree. At 20 years plus, it’s a little embarrassing to admit how most of us in medical school are still dependent on our parents and haven’t saved up – not even a dime – for our future. I’m actually one of them.

To tell you frankly, I don’t exactly feel the pressure of draining my parents’ bank account – at least not when I’m with fellow doctors-to-be but when I’m out on my own and venturing into the world beyond the four pillars of the medical school building, it’s entirely a different thing. I don’t exactly feel proud that I am still a leecher in the family despite my age especially when you have a mother who bore a child a month before she turned 22. At times when I catch myself comparing myself to my mom when she was the same age as I am, I couldn’t help but be really disappointed of who I am now. The feeling of hopelessness and seeming lackluster kind of life that I am living at the moment gets more magnified when I’m with former classmates and friends outside the med circle who are already living real lives, earning real money and seeing the real world with their own eyes.

Sometimes it gets really sad. Doubles when you’re faced with tons of patient papers waiting to be submitted, and triples when exams are just a week away.

My friends have long gotten tired of my endless whining about how my life seems to be at a standstill.  My ears have gotten accustomed to words of “jealousy” and “amazement” from them for the larger-than-life kind of world I am living . They’ve already ran out of encouraging words to coax me out my dark cave of self-pity. My brain has already mastered the art of selective processing by masking out phrases like “this-is-just-for-the-moment-you’ll-see-where-this-leads-to-after”.

For Chrissake, I have a vivid image of where this is leading to. It’s not really the future that I am hating. It’s the moment. This snail-paced inching forward my life is taking now.

If I had my way, I’d turn the hands of time and fast forward to ten years from now – the time when I’d probably start seeing the fruits of my hard work. Too bad I am living in reality and nowhere near that is possible. Heck, I couldn’t even trade places with anyone at the moment. So probably, staying within the inner circle of med colleagues is still the best thing to do – at least for now.

I ain’t exactly eating healthy. I don’t like my greens. Although I love cows (the black and white spotted kind, not the boring, native ones), it doesn’t equate to being one of them and gobbling down grass for heaven’s sake! I am not a fruit lover either. Just last week, my friends looked at me in horror when I told them I didn’t know what sinegwelas and duhat were and that I don’t eat pomelo, lanzones and rambutan, to name a few. I put the blame on my dearest grandmother who despite her “strictness”, actually played the doting lola by not insisting my brothers and I eat the things that we didn’t like. Of course, veggies and fruits topped that list. Although I am not really living a healthy lifestyle, I’m proud to say that I haven’t been in a hospital – at least as an admitted patient. Save for the time when I was born, I’ve never had nurses and doctors squabble over me in my lifetime. I am not eating healthy, I may not be really physically active, but I think I’m healthy enough not to get seriously sick – except for the occasional sniffles which, unfortunately, I’m nursing at the moment.

I can’t remember the last time I caught the colds virus. Despite the lack of sleep and the tremendous amount of work I have to deal with for school, I’ve never had fever in the last seven months. I think my body has adjusted well enough to keep me in a good shape – never mind if it’s really on the borderline. The occasional colds, however, is bad enough to keep me lying down the whole day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to finish the work I was supposed to do last night because the meds I took for my colds took the best of me halfway through my paper. Now, it’s 9:09 am and I have four hardly finished papers trying to get my attention over here. It’s the 10th already and a Sunday by the way, tomorrow’s my parents’ 24th anniversary (and I’m thinking of getting them a cool digital photo frame) and the start of yet another long week. If I didn’t have group discussions to attend to and papers to pass tomorrow, I would want to call it off and take the day at home hoping the sniffles would go away. But you know, when you’re just a student and your grades are in perilous situation, you realize how you’ve got really no choice after all. *sniff*

There’s a Filipino saying that goes:

“Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay huwag magalit. Ang pikon ay laging talo”

(As I am not really very proficient in translating from one language to another, I won’t attempt to translate it anymore so I’d like to apologize to my non-Filipino speaking visitors.)

Back when I was younger, people around me, especially friends and classmates always teased me a lot because I was pikon. I couldn’t take teasings that much probably because I had too much insecurities to resolve with back in the heydays of my childhood (I always thought I was ugly, no, not exactly the pimply ugly type who’d need Zeno.) Although I hadn’t fully outgrown my being pikon, I am proud to say that at least I’ve matured enough to take much of the blows when people start poking fun at me. Riding it on with jokes would sometimes be fun, but at times when it’s no longer funny anymore, I use my utmost patience so everyone would be at peace. I hate getting angry because I tend to say the most hurtful words and hit the person at his/her weakest point. I don’t like getting mad because when I am mad, all hell breaks loose. I don’t exactly look like I’m very friendly in person so I’d like to balance my mataray looks with a jolly and friendly disposition. In fact, sometimes I think I become way too friendly that other people start to think they can do and say anything without tugging at the wrong strings.

I can take people who appear as though they were raised without manners (or in simple Filipino terms: bastos) ‘coz I’ve learned how some people are just acting it out and in reality are very good-natured people. I can take it when suddenly the spotlight would be on me and be the center of the ridicule. I’m not exactly a killjoy so yes, I can take much of what you dish out on me. But then, what I don’t understand is how some people would be really too insensitive to the point that they already cross boundaries that they shouldn’t be crossing. I think no amount of closeness is enough for disrespect without regard.

Someone once reminded me how I shouldn’t be expecting that people around me would adjust for me. What she forgot to mention was that making adjustments is a two-way street. Life is intrinsically not fair that’s why we adjust so it would be fair for everyone.

I’ve always adjusted to these kind of people but sorry I am also just human with limitations.

“Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay huwag magalit. Ang pikon ay laging talo”

This is my phone, Ricardo. He’s been with me for the last 2 years and a half. I am a bad owner. He no longer looks as great as he used to be when I got him two years back. He doesn’t even look half as good I must say.

I am not used to changing my gadgets every time a new one comes out in the market. I know of someone who keeps on buying a new phone and keeps on changing it or losing it but I also know of someone who has had his dilapidated old Nokia phone for as long as he can remember. Just to give you an idea of how in a really bad shape his mobile phone is in, his phone is being kept intact by rubber bands. Yes. Rubber bands! He’s not really poor; with no money to spare for a new phone. It’s just that, he’s like me. He likes his gadgets the way they are. I am not too keen on buying a new phone every now and then and selling my old ones when I get tired of them. Actually, I don’t get tired of them. Rarely do I go out of my way to buy something new especially when it comes to mobile phones, laptops and the like (but it’s not exactly the same when it comes to clothes, make-up, shoes… you know, girl stuff). In fact, I’ve only had three phones since I got my first phone back in sophomore year in high school: a 3210, a Siemens SX1 that I dad bought me for (a whopping) 30K and Ricardo which I got off eBay Philippines from a dealer of new mobiles phones.

The first phone saw the end of its journey after 4 years when despite having it sent for repairs twice, it still wouldn’t charge and worse, wouldn’t work without being attached to the socket. The second phone had to be put to rest after two and half years when its main board suddenly decided to give up on me one fine day (just shows how much price doesn’t really reflect quality). And now, my poor, dilapidated and overused Sony Ericsson W550i, my baby for the last 2 years+ is showing signs of heading for doom: It wiggles when it’s open. It hangs. It’s slow then the headphones won’t work one minute and the speakers would fail the next. Just over the weekend, I couldn’t use my phone to call or receive calls without the headphones. I don’t exactly know what happened but suddenly the speakers are now working fine – as if nothing happened over the last couple of days (but now I couldn’t make the headphones work! Crazy!). I feel bad. I don’t have plans of dispatching Ricardo yet. I still have plans of sending it for repairs and was even considering buying a Bluetooth headset for it and a couple of new face plates. But with the recent developments (or should I say signs of weaknesses?), I think I need to scout for a new one pretty soon. Actually, I don’t see any problem with window shopping for a new phone. It’s the money to spend for a new one that’s bothering me. With a tuition fee of 100K for med school, I think every little extra expense to ask from them is just too much.

So is anyone out there willing to sponsor my new phone?