I am so close to crying. I broke out after I started my glycolic peel treatment recently. You see, for glycolic peel to work its wonders, you have to peel religiously - something which I have not done regularly despite having my own peeling set at the comforts of my own home. What I did to save money was to buy a peeling set then just have my facial cleaning treatment done after at my favorite facial spa to prevent major breakouts - again, something which I failed to do last week. Now, I’m suffering from these huge zits all over. I really badly want to cry now. :’( We’ll be having our pictorial for the yearbook two weeks from now and no can I face those high-end digital cameras aka DSLRs in this mess. Wah. What to do? What to do? :’(

It’s 2:30 am. I can’t sleep. I kept on thinking about the years that passed by in a blur and how far (?) I’ve come with my dreams in life. Sadly, aside from the medical aspect of my life, I’ve realized I’ve never fulfilled much of what I had hoped for in the past. Probably one of the reasons why I stopped making a list of New Year’s Resolutions - I never fulfill any of them anyway.

Earlier, I was browsing through my friends’ profile pages in the social networking site, Facebook. I am amazed by how far some of them have come in the last few years. I also happened to pass by a few multiply sites of virtual unknowns and saw their accomplishments for the last five years. I felt ashamed of myself. My medical schooling aside, what else do I have to offer? I’ve, time and again, vowed to make self-improvements in the past years but I’ve realized that instead of spiraling uphill, I’ve made a downward turn. It sucks realizing you’re leveling down instead of improving. But then, self-improvements also meant paying extra (after all, nothing comes free anyway), so it also meant having to choose between saving up for one of those Orlando vacations or spending money for myself. For someone with limited means like me, doing the latter may be difficult. I don’t know why I suddenly find myself in this very gray area. This is probably one of the evils of technology. Back in the days, you don’t really get to be updated by what’s happening in the lives of people you know, hence, the lesser chances for self-pity… unless of course you bump into them somewhere else and you chitchat about your lives. Nowadays, all you need is a lot of unsolicited news feeds on facebook and a few clicks and the gate for self-reflection is wide open. Sheesh. I need to spend less time on those social networking sites. They’re becoming unhealthy.

Accreditation brings about the paranoia in everyone. Hidden psychiatric disorders are unearthed as people try to please the gods aka accreditors/inspectors in an attempt to show they live in accordance to their rules and set standards. I remember how my grade school and high school alma mater had put so much pressure in everyone - from janitors, student body and the administrators during the time of ISO accreditation (and re-accreditation). Like a traumatic experience being buried to the subconscious, I hardly could recall the nitty-gritty details of those days but I remember how I hated it - HATED THE PHONINESS that surrounded it. I thought I wouldn’t experience those days again but hell I was wrong.

Today, everyone in the hospital is on their toes, anxiety-ridden and with fingers-crossed that they won’t encounter the gods of JCIA accreditation. Everyone is out putting their best feet forward to please them. It’s funny how things around me now aren’t what they used to be. Areas which were normally untidy are squeaky clean. There are no busted lights around and suddenly everything is working in perfect order. I bet if there’s a need for cattle supplies, it’s gonna be available in a snap of a finger.  No, at this time, you can’t make any mistake… at  least for the next few days until this hell of a JCIA week is over.

Poor Psych rotators. Looks like we’ll be getting more Psychiatric referral soon.

This is undoubtedly the best weekend I’ve ever had. I went out to pamper myself: name it, I’ve done it! I’ve never had a lot of fun in the last couple of weeks. I was out and about town meeting friends, attending parties, going to the movies, drinking, dancing and just being happy. I felt free. Like I had nothing to care about in the world. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve said how I missed this kind of life. I’m so happy that I’m almost crying and I don’t want to go back to being a medical clerk ever again. This is really the most exciting long weekend I’ve ever had. Really.

At least in my dreams.

In real life, I just wasted away my time at home in front of my laptop. I didn’t even go out to burn time in the mall to watch a movie or perhaps dine out. I didn’t get to have my nails done, what more get a relaxing Swedish massage. I didn’t get to see any of my friends. There were no parties to attend, no music to dance to and no booze to infuse my system with. In fact I bet I need some sort of immune system boosters since I’ve caught another bug and is suffering now from a sore throat and that occasional cough.

I’ve wasted such a great long weekend. And my only hope to make this perfect, that is seeing Bee for the first and last time this week, ended up in smoke just a few minutes ago when he told me he couldn’t see me.

What an absolutely great weekend isn’t it?

I never imagined finding a new place to live near St. Luke’s would be a nightmare. I will be officially semi-homeless in the next few weeks. “Semi” because I’m not exactly homeless since I’ll be moving in with a couple of classmates in a 1-bedroom apartment near the school but of course, I’m still keeping my options open and my fingers crossed in hopes of getting a unit or at least a room all for myself. But you know, with the way things are going for me, it’s a lot easier to get an online auto insurance than a room for rent that fits my budget. Rental prices are soaring the nearer you are at St. Luke’s. The cheapest studio-type room that I’ve come across with is ten thousand pesos and there’s no way my parents are paying that amount for me. Oh well. I still have more than a week before I finalize Plan A and I’m still hoping against hopes that I’ll get the perfect place for me. I just wish fate agrees with me.

I finally come to the last stretch of my junior year. It’s crunch time! And I don’t exactly understand what the heck I am doing online. Hehe. The stress is evident. I have a number of stress pimples to worry about (good thing they can easily be hidden under my bangs) and I’m losing weight like there’s no tomorrow! A good friend who I haven’t seen for weeks once asked me if I was taking diet pills ‘coz I had lost weight. An old teacher that I ran into a few days ago also commented that I look thinner now. Blame it on stress! My monstrous food intake is not helping me much! *sob* I really can’t wait for “summer” or what’s left of it. I feel like I’ll break down any minute now.